Blank Bowl/Gleefully Super

Hey all! So last time the Pats made it to the Super Bowl, I wrote a piece of fan fiction for the occasion called Blank Bowl, written in the style of the show Strangers with Candy.

I have written a second piece, very much like the first, for this rematch coming up. It’s called Gleefully Super so I think you can guess what it is modeled after (don’t worry, you don’t have to like the show to like this story, I promise).

Anyway, it’s not quite ready to be posted yet so in the meantime, please enjoy a re-posting of Blank Bowl, in three Parts:

Blank Bowl XLII – Part One

 The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

On a crisp January afternoon, Jerri Blank walks through the halls of Flatpoint High. Plastered on the walls are big blue posters emblazoned with “Giants: Stomp on Patriotism!” and “Giants: Beat Goliath!” Jerri, having just learned to read, is confused. Spotting her friend, Jerri investigates.
 “Hey Orlando, whatchya doing?”
Orlando, dressed in a large shirt with the number 81 on the back, is covering the Giants graffiti with attractive posters reading “Unstoppable” and “Brady will not be matched.” He looks at Jerri with a mixture of shock and intrigue.
“Oh, hi Jerri. We’re just putting up these posters for the Super Bowl this weekend, in support of the New England Patriots.”
“What’s that?”
”It’s a football team, Jerri.”
”I know it’s a football team. I mean what does it do?”
“They play football, the greatest sport in America.”
Jerri laughs. ”You jungle-folk will go for anything. Tell me what this foothole is all about.”
“Football, Jerri. Well, a bunch of big guys dressed in very tight-fitting pants try to knock each other down while another guy tries to get the ball into the end zone.”
”I’d like to get your ball into my end zone.”
Orlando is taken aback.
”Excuse me?”
”Only if you say please.”
“The New England Patriots are going to be the first team to go 19-0 if they beat the New York Giants on Sunday.”
“19-0! Wow, that’s a lot of numbers. They must be real popular.”
“Not really, Jerri. Most of the school hates them and hates us for not hating them.”
Jerri recognizes the sentiment. ”Ah yes, the old hata-playa. No one likes the man on top.”
”That’s what she said.”
Pause. 
“Sorry, wrong show.” Orlando has obviously been watching The Office too much. He continues. “Anyway, Tammy is coming over to watch the game on Sunday, You should come too.”
”You know what Orlando? I think I will. I’m takin’ a liking to these colonial sportsmen. Their colors are much more pleasing than that other team that is also red, white and blue. Something about the Patriots makes me feel very…what’s the word?”
“Patriotic?”
“That’s the one. Better than feeling gigantic!”
Tammy Littlenut walks by, hoping to avoid the amorous gaze of Jerri Blank.
“Mm, that’s gotta be tight. Be sure Coppertop’s there on Sunday, Orlando. I’d love to tackle that fireball.”
“We’re watching football Jerri.”
”Monkey see, monkey do. I gotta go pee.”
  

_______________________________________________________________________

”In nineteen hundred and seventy-two, the Miami Dolphins scored more than you.” Chuck Noblet, Flatpoint High’s resident history, science, driver’s ed teacher and biblical scholar is teaching the students who are still awake about NFL history. Above the blackboard a sign reads: “Patriots Fans Will Fail This Class.” Noblet is obviously a hard-core Giants fan, down to his tie depicting the Virgin Mary cradling the Jesus-like frame of Eli Manning. “And so it was that for 35 years, no football team could match the splendor that was/is the undefeated Miami Dolphins. A curse be upon the team that dares rival them.”
The bell rings
“Class dismissed.”
Jerri heads for the door, proudly showing off her Tom Brady jersey which she has adorned with spikes and squirrel claws. The look is interesting.
“Jerri, I…need a word.”
”Vagina”
“No, Jerri, I need to speak with you. Your attire is inappropriate for the academic setting. Remove this heretical jersey or you will fail.”
Jerri is flummoxed. “You’re wearing Giants apparel, why can’t I support my team? I mean, look the attention I’m getting!”
”I’ll put this as plainly as I know how. The Patriots suck and I will not have their jersey worn in my class.”
“But Mr. Noblet, if I don’t support the New England Patriots, how will I relate to my friends? I’ll be the laughing stock of Flatpoint High.”
”You already are.”
”motherfu…”
“And besides,” Noblet explains, “don’t you know who the Patriots are? They’re cheaters, Jerri. They’re nothing but a bunch of low-down, dirty ape-men who mercilessly conquer any team that stands in their way. They rule the night, feasting on  the innocent young of their enemies and worshiping all that is unholy in the name of Satan, commonly referred to as Bill Belichick. They besmirch the good reputation of football.”
Jerri looks horrified. ”Oh my land!”
“If you care about the fate of our country’s corrupted sports, you will NOT root for the New England Patriots.”
”But, if I don’t root for the Patriots, who do I root for?”
”This is America, Jerri. It doesn’t matter who you root for, but who you root against. You must pledge your non-loyalty and hate the Patriots. We’re counting on you, Jerri.”
And with that, Noblet pushes Jerri out of the classroom and locks the door. Alone, Jerri expresses her feelings the only way she knows how: to say them out loud.
”Conflicted.”
 

_____________________________________________________________________________

In a frenzied state, Jerri rips off her claw-encrusted #12 jersey and jams it into a trash can.
“Jerri, what are you doing!”
”Orlando!”
Orlando has caught her in the act. Jerri cannot take the pressure of his hurt gaze.
”Look it. I like you but liking you and liking the Patriots is making the rest of the school not like me and I don’t know if I like that. Know what I’m saying, baby?”
Jerri starts to rub Orlando’s ears, as if to calm him down.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Orlando. I’m just saying that I am sacrificing my undying support of the Patriots to be better liked by everyone else. You understand, right?”
“What about Tom Brady?”
Jerri lashes out.
 
”Fuck Tom Brady and fuck the Patriots!”
Orlando is hurt. 
“I don’t even know you anymore, Jerri Blank. Or should I say Jerri Blank who supports the Giants?”
Orlando runs away, leaving Jerri alone yet again. Having already been conflicted, she states her new emotions.
“Confused.”  

______________________________________________________________________ 

In the Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet is having a private, eh, conversation with the art teacher, Geoffrey Jellineck. Neither one has very many clothes on.
“Geoffrey, you stand there. Now, let’s do play #1281.”
”In Between Catch?” Jellineck is always game for that one.
“That’s the one.”
Jellineck gets excited. Noblet sets the scene.
“Okay, you to be Tom Brady.”
”Naturally,” Jellineck offers.
“And I’ll be Randy Moss. Now you come toward me and…”
“You want to be Randy Moss?”
Noblet backtracks.
“Oh I, uh, didn’t mean…Do you think I could pull it off?” Chuck asks hesitantly.
“No.”
”Okay then, I’ll be Wes Welker. Now, you come at me from behind.”

 
In the deserted Teacher’s Lounge, Geoffrey Jellineck is delicately explaining something to Chuck Noblet. Both have shed most of their clothes, save for socks and an ankle bracelet.
“Okay Chuck, my turn. Let’s do play #69: The Two-Headed Weasel. You be the sneaky Eric Mangini and I’ll be the incorrigible Billy Belichick. And go.”
”Prepare to go down, Belicheat.”
 

In the deserted and steamy Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet and Geoffrey Jellineck are spooning. There are no clothes left.
“I want to go again,” Jellineck whines.
“Jesus, Geoffrey, I’m all balled out.”
”Come on, Chuck. One more football fantasy? It will be inspirational for my art.”
”Fine, but I’m choosing the play. Let’s see,” Noblet thinks aloud. “Got it. Play #500,000 to 19: Punishment and Payback.”
“Great! I’ve got the paddle!”
“I’ll get the jockstraps.”
Jellineck reaches out his chiseled arm to the birthday-suited Noblet.
“Be careful Chuck. No one can find out our secret.”
Chuck wraps a towel around his players and leaves the lounge. A student hastily rushes by, frightened of his virtually naked teacher.
”No running!”

Blank Bowl XLII – Part Two

The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

Later that night.

“Ah Stinky, what should I do? Do I stay true to my feelings and go along with Patriots or do I give in to my dark and shallow yearning for acceptance and popularity?”
Stinky looks at her, giving her the type of silence that only a pet skunk can.

“What do you know of being unpopular? Everybody loves skunks. Why, walking down the street you get so much attention! People are always pointing and shouting ‘skunk!’ in excitement over seeing you.”

Stinky does not respond.

“If only I could be as popular as you. Well, goodnight Stinky. Goodnight ashes of mother, father, and first pet turtle Shelly.”

With that, Jerri drifts off to slumberland, loudly snoring away the complications of the day. But her rest is not to be peaceful. Voices fill her ears, floating heads swim by her eyes.

“You will fail,” sneers Noblet’s head

“Patriots Suck! Patriots Suck!”
”I don’t even know you anymore, Jerri.”

The endless parade of unattached heads and snickering sounds becomes unbearable.If only Jerri would be visited in her dreams by someone who could show her the way. It is a plot device that works in so many stories.

“Je-e-e-r-r-r-i-i-i B-l-l-l-l-a-a-a-n-n-n-k-k-k-k”

The ghostly sound startles Jerri and she thinks she wakes up. Actually, she is still dreaming. Otherwise, what happens here would be incredibly creepy, if not completely impossible. Nevertheless, she answers the call.

“Hello? Who’s there?”
”Jerri Blank, you have lost your way.”
”Who’s that? Who’s talking? What kind of crazy pretend-reality is this?”

“Jerri Blank, you have lost your way. Your friends have guided you to the right path, the righteous path. You were once a Patriot fan. Now you have descended to the lowly level of any other team’s fan.”

“Oh my dear Lord, is it really you? Are you…Tom Brady?”

“Yes. Yes I am the Tom Brady, #12, quarterback to the undefeated New England Patriots, 2007 NFL MVP. Can you not tell my person by my handsome face and rockin’ body?”

“Well, that is a pretty recognizable butt chin you got going on there. Tom…”
”Please, call me Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP. It shows respect.”
”Right. Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP, I am conflicted.  See, I wants to roots for you but peer pressure is telling me not to. What do I do?”
”Jerri, listen to the dream apparition of me. You must block out those people who say that I and my team will not win the Super Bowl or do not deserve to be there. You must listen to what’s in your heart. And I think we both know what is in there.”

“Best guess would be some veins that are blocked by fat or scar tissue. That’s it! I should listen to my scar tissue! But what is that telling me? I can’t hear it over the screaming.”

“Ugh, your head is thicker than my right lineman.”
”Is that the way it’s leaning these days?” Jerri suggestively asks as she splays her legs wide. Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP chokes back a bit of vomit before continuing.

“Jerri, listen to me! Being a sports fan isn’t about rooting against something. It is about rooting for something. Support the team that is better, not the one that will make you look better.”

“Support the team that is better. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL something something.”

“Hey, no problem kid.”

As he starts to fade away, Jerri brings him back. “Excuse me, sir. May I just say that you have the hottest ass in the National Football League?”
Brady smirks, “I know.” And with that, he vanishes.

Jerri wakes, for realsies, with a start.

“Damn, that was a good dream. I would totally hit that.”

So would we, Jerri. So would we.

______________________________________________________________

It is time for the annual Super Bowl Assembly in which Flatpoint High gathers to cheer their favorite team on to victory. The school gymnasium has just been filled to the brim with shouting students and uncomfortable looking teachers. No teachers are more awkward looking than Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck, who both decided to mask their football loyalties in the colors of the rainbow.

“Chuck, they’re going to find out. We’re doomed!”
”Get a grip, Geoffrey. We’re in Giants’ colors, plus some. These people will never know.”
”I can’t keep this secret much long…”
”Shhh, Principal Blackman is about to speak.”

All attention turns to the podium where Principal Blackman has taken position. Jellineck wipes his sweaty brow with his multi-colored handkerchief as a booming voice fills the room.

“Students of Flatpoint High. We have gathered today to pay tribute and show support to the one team that can lead us to victory, the one team that is different from all the rest. Their quarterback is a strong quarterback, with family legacy to live up to. Eli Manning and the New York Giants will march in that parade known as the Super Bowl and he will bring freedom to the masses, long suppressed by the domination of these so-called Patriots.”

Wild cheering ensues.

“Dynasty my ass, these guys don’t know the first thing about what it takes to be champions – except for those three years that they won the championship. And they did go undefeated in the regular season. They have a lot of weapons; those wide receivers, the running game. Their offense is pretty good. And you gotta hand it to that defense, having so many veteran players. Furthermore, you really can’t say enough about Tom Brady, probably the best quarterback to play the game. Reminds me of Montana (player, not state). Hall of Famer right there. Of course, it all starts with the head coach. Belichick is quite the genius, I must say. The way he cuts his hoo…”
”Um, Principal Blackman? Aren’t we supporting the New York Giants?” Coach Wolf interjected, fearing the principal was going off message.

“Uh, what? Hmm? Oh right. Yes, of course. The New York Giants. Go team!”
The pep band starts up the Flatpoint High fight song and the students start to cheer. Suddenly, a sound like a screeching car horn, nails running down a chalkboard, and a dying cat combined and then thrown under a jackhammer pierces the vibrant air.
”I got something to say!”

Jerri Blank, clad in what can only be described as a football costume made for an 80 year old, has taken to the podium. The crowd is quickly silenced, save for a smattering of uncontrolled laughter from the faculty and student body at Jerri’s hideously tight football stretch pants. Her #12 jersey is, unfortunately, not large enough to cover hips big enough to deliver a baby or two.

“You all are a bunch of rubes. Look at ya. You’re wearing the colors of America yet rooting for the team trying to bring America down. What gives? Why do you think they are called the Patriots? America’s team, people. If you really want something to root against, how about a down-and-out team who six weeks ago couldn’t put together a winning strategy except for out on the road? Root against the football team that can’t even have their own stadium but have to share it with the stinkin’ Jets.”
A shout is heard from the crowd. “I hate the Jets!”

“Well, guess who else hates the Jets,” Jerri replies. “That’s right, the New England Patriots. The Jets are lower than the stinkin’ Ravens.”
”I hate the Ravens.”

Numerous shouts from the crowd can now be heard. A sampling:
”I hate the Colts.”
”Well, I thoroughly dislike the Chargers.”
”Oh, the Chargers aren’t that bad. Not like the Steelers.”

“Oh yeah, the Steelers suck.”

“Don’t forget the Eagles.”
”Cowboys!”
”Green Bay Sucks!”
”Bad things be brought upon the Bills.”
”Ditto that for the Dolphins.”

Jerri, sensing she is winning over the crowd, continues. “See? There is only one place where you can legitimately hate all of these teams. It ain’t in New York. It’s New England. When you’re part of the best, all the rest don’t count for squat. Now, whattya say? Let’s go Pats! Woooo!”
At this, the crowd goes wild. Energized, the crowd leaps to their feet in celebration. Two guys pick up Jerri and parade her around the crowd on their shoulders. Ecstatic with joy for Jerri’s revelation, Geoffrey Jellineck, bedazzled in a tight fighting rainbow shirt takes to the podium

 

Blank Bowl XLII – Wrap Up

 

 The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

Jellineck gathered courage to speak.

“And I too have something to say. As Jerri has outed herself to you all, so shall I! I am a Patriots fan! I have been a Patriots fan many times. Most recently, I have been a fan with Chuck Noblet, occasionally many times in one night and in many different ways. We even have a playbook. I’m a Pats fan and proud of it! What about you, Chuck? Chuck?”
The door to the gymnasium slams shut. Jellineck sees the unmistakable black floor marks of cowboy boots.

“Chuck flees again,” Jellineck moans. The crowd continues to go wild as Geoffrey Jellineck slowly comes down from the podium.

________________________________________________________________

Super Bowl Sunday at Orlando’s house. Tammy Littlenut and Jerri have joined Orlando to watch the big game.

“Hey Brady, nice package!” Jerri is clearly enjoying herself.

“Jerri, please stop licking the TV screen. My mom will get angry.”
”I can’t help it, Orlando. This channel is picking up some amazing shots of #12. Orlando, thanks for inviting me. I’ve learned that it is wrong to go back on your friends just because everyone else is telling you what your friends are telling you is wrong. From now on, I’ll follow anything you say.”

“Jerri, please stop licking the TV.”
”Mmm, butt shots.”

The End.

Epilogue:
The Patriots went on to win that Super Bowl and it was all thanks to Jerri Blank and her strength to be different in a crowd.

Well, actually it was due to the awesomeness that is the New England Patriots. But it’s a good story anyway.

Epilogue II:

Except that the Patriots didn’t win Super Bowl XLII, causing all of New England to go into a deep, deep depression. Jerri Blank’s response was inappropriate at best:

“17-14! That’s Hi-LAR-ious!”

 

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~ by LMB on 01/25/2012.

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