Another Hundred People

Blank Bowl/Gleefully Super

LMB — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:15:32 +0000

Hey all! So last time the Pats made it to the Super Bowl, I wrote a piece of fan fiction for the occasion called Blank Bowl, written in the style of the show Strangers with Candy.

I have written a second piece, very much like the first, for this rematch coming up. It’s called Gleefully Super so I think you can guess what it is modeled after (don’t worry, you don’t have to like the show to like this story, I promise).

Anyway, it’s not quite ready to be posted yet so in the meantime, please enjoy a re-posting of Blank Bowl, in three Parts:

Blank Bowl XLII – Part One

The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

On a crisp January afternoon, Jerri Blank walks through the halls of Flatpoint High. Plastered on the walls are big blue posters emblazoned with “Giants: Stomp on Patriotism!” and “Giants: Beat Goliath!” Jerri, having just learned to read, is confused. Spotting her friend, Jerri investigates.
“Hey Orlando, whatchya doing?”
Orlando, dressed in a large shirt with the number 81 on the back, is covering the Giants graffiti with attractive posters reading “Unstoppable” and “Brady will not be matched.” He looks at Jerri with a mixture of shock and intrigue.
“Oh, hi Jerri. We’re just putting up these posters for the Super Bowl this weekend, in support of the New England Patriots.”
“What’s that?”
”It’s a football team, Jerri.”
”I know it’s a football team. I mean what does it do?”
“They play football, the greatest sport in America.”
Jerri laughs. ”You jungle-folk will go for anything. Tell me what this foothole is all about.”
“Football, Jerri. Well, a bunch of big guys dressed in very tight-fitting pants try to knock each other down while another guy tries to get the ball into the end zone.”
”I’d like to get your ball into my end zone.”
Orlando is taken aback. ”Excuse me?”
”Only if you say please.”
“The New England Patriots are going to be the first team to go 19-0 if they beat the New York Giants on Sunday.”
“19-0! Wow, that’s a lot of numbers. They must be real popular.”
“Not really, Jerri. Most of the school hates them and hates us for not hating them.”
Jerri recognizes the sentiment. ”Ah yes, the old hata-playa. No one likes the man on top.”
”That’s what she said.”
Pause.
“Sorry, wrong show.” Orlando has obviously been watching The Office too much. He continues. “Anyway, Tammy is coming over to watch the game on Sunday, You should come too.”
”You know what Orlando? I think I will. I’m takin’ a liking to these colonial sportsmen. Their colors are much more pleasing than that other team that is also red, white and blue. Something about the Patriots makes me feel very…what’s the word?”
“Patriotic?”
“That’s the one. Better than feeling gigantic!”
Tammy Littlenut walks by, hoping to avoid the amorous gaze of Jerri Blank.
“Mm, that’s gotta be tight. Be sure Coppertop’s there on Sunday, Orlando. I’d love to tackle that fireball.”
“We’re watching football Jerri.”
”Monkey see, monkey do. I gotta go pee.”

_______________________________________________________________________

”In nineteen hundred and seventy-two, the Miami Dolphins scored more than you.” Chuck Noblet, Flatpoint High’s resident history, science, driver’s ed teacher and biblical scholar is teaching the students who are still awake about NFL history. Above the blackboard a sign reads: “Patriots Fans Will Fail This Class.” Noblet is obviously a hard-core Giants fan, down to his tie depicting the Virgin Mary cradling the Jesus-like frame of Eli Manning. “And so it was that for 35 years, no football team could match the splendor that was/is the undefeated Miami Dolphins. A curse be upon the team that dares rival them.”
The bell rings
“Class dismissed.”
Jerri heads for the door, proudly showing off her Tom Brady jersey which she has adorned with spikes and squirrel claws. The look is interesting.
“Jerri, I…need a word.”
”Vagina”
“No, Jerri, I need to speak with you. Your attire is inappropriate for the academic setting. Remove this heretical jersey or you will fail.”
Jerri is flummoxed. “You’re wearing Giants apparel, why can’t I support my team? I mean, look the attention I’m getting!”
”I’ll put this as plainly as I know how. The Patriots suck and I will not have their jersey worn in my class.”
“But Mr. Noblet, if I don’t support the New England Patriots, how will I relate to my friends? I’ll be the laughing stock of Flatpoint High.”
”You already are.”
”motherfu…”
“And besides,” Noblet explains, “don’t you know who the Patriots are? They’re cheaters, Jerri. They’re nothing but a bunch of low-down, dirty ape-men who mercilessly conquer any team that stands in their way. They rule the night, feasting on the innocent young of their enemies and worshiping all that is unholy in the name of Satan, commonly referred to as Bill Belichick. They besmirch the good reputation of football.”
Jerri looks horrified. ”Oh my land!”
“If you care about the fate of our country’s corrupted sports, you will NOT root for the New England Patriots.”
”But, if I don’t root for the Patriots, who do I root for?”
”This is America, Jerri. It doesn’t matter who you root for, but who you root against. You must pledge your non-loyalty and hate the Patriots. We’re counting on you, Jerri.”
And with that, Noblet pushes Jerri out of the classroom and locks the door. Alone, Jerri expresses her feelings the only way she knows how: to say them out loud.
”Conflicted.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

In a frenzied state, Jerri rips off her claw-encrusted #12 jersey and jams it into a trash can.
“Jerri, what are you doing!”
”Orlando!”
Orlando has caught her in the act. Jerri cannot take the pressure of his hurt gaze.
”Look it. I like you but liking you and liking the Patriots is making the rest of the school not like me and I don’t know if I like that. Know what I’m saying, baby?”
Jerri starts to rub Orlando’s ears, as if to calm him down.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Orlando. I’m just saying that I am sacrificing my undying support of the Patriots to be better liked by everyone else. You understand, right?”
“What about Tom Brady?”
Jerri lashes out.
”Fuck Tom Brady and fuck the Patriots!”
Orlando is hurt.
“I don’t even know you anymore, Jerri Blank. Or should I say Jerri Blank who supports the Giants?”
Orlando runs away, leaving Jerri alone yet again. Having already been conflicted, she states her new emotions.
“Confused.”

______________________________________________________________________

In the Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet is having a private, eh, conversation with the art teacher, Geoffrey Jellineck. Neither one has very many clothes on.
“Geoffrey, you stand there. Now, let’s do play #1281.”
”In Between Catch?” Jellineck is always game for that one.
“That’s the one.”
Jellineck gets excited. Noblet sets the scene.
“Okay, you to be Tom Brady.”
”Naturally,” Jellineck offers.
“And I’ll be Randy Moss. Now you come toward me and…”
“You want to be Randy Moss?”
Noblet backtracks.
“Oh I, uh, didn’t mean…Do you think I could pull it off?” Chuck asks hesitantly.
“No.”
”Okay then, I’ll be Wes Welker. Now, you come at me from behind.”

In the deserted Teacher’s Lounge, Geoffrey Jellineck is delicately explaining something to Chuck Noblet. Both have shed most of their clothes, save for socks and an ankle bracelet.
“Okay Chuck, my turn. Let’s do play #69: The Two-Headed Weasel. You be the sneaky Eric Mangini and I’ll be the incorrigible Billy Belichick. And go.”
”Prepare to go down, Belicheat.”

In the deserted and steamy Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet and Geoffrey Jellineck are spooning. There are no clothes left.
“I want to go again,” Jellineck whines.
“Jesus, Geoffrey, I’m all balled out.”
”Come on, Chuck. One more football fantasy? It will be inspirational for my art.”
”Fine, but I’m choosing the play. Let’s see,” Noblet thinks aloud. “Got it. Play #500,000 to 19: Punishment and Payback.”
“Great! I’ve got the paddle!”
“I’ll get the jockstraps.”
Jellineck reaches out his chiseled arm to the birthday-suited Noblet.
“Be careful Chuck. No one can find out our secret.”
Chuck wraps a towel around his players and leaves the lounge. A student hastily rushes by, frightened of his virtually naked teacher.
”No running!”

Blank Bowl XLII – Part Two

The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

Later that night.

“Ah Stinky, what should I do? Do I stay true to my feelings and go along with Patriots or do I give in to my dark and shallow yearning for acceptance and popularity?”
Stinky looks at her, giving her the type of silence that only a pet skunk can.

“What do you know of being unpopular? Everybody loves skunks. Why, walking down the street you get so much attention! People are always pointing and shouting ‘skunk!’ in excitement over seeing you.”

Stinky does not respond.

“If only I could be as popular as you. Well, goodnight Stinky. Goodnight ashes of mother, father, and first pet turtle Shelly.”

With that, Jerri drifts off to slumberland, loudly snoring away the complications of the day. But her rest is not to be peaceful. Voices fill her ears, floating heads swim by her eyes.

“You will fail,” sneers Noblet’s head

“Patriots Suck! Patriots Suck!”
”I don’t even know you anymore, Jerri.”

The endless parade of unattached heads and snickering sounds becomes unbearable.If only Jerri would be visited in her dreams by someone who could show her the way. It is a plot device that works in so many stories.

“Je-e-e-r-r-r-i-i-i B-l-l-l-l-a-a-a-n-n-n-k-k-k-k”

The ghostly sound startles Jerri and she thinks she wakes up. Actually, she is still dreaming. Otherwise, what happens here would be incredibly creepy, if not completely impossible. Nevertheless, she answers the call.

“Hello? Who’s there?”
”Jerri Blank, you have lost your way.”
”Who’s that? Who’s talking? What kind of crazy pretend-reality is this?”

“Jerri Blank, you have lost your way. Your friends have guided you to the right path, the righteous path. You were once a Patriot fan. Now you have descended to the lowly level of any other team’s fan.”

“Oh my dear Lord, is it really you? Are you…Tom Brady?”

“Yes. Yes I am the Tom Brady, #12, quarterback to the undefeated New England Patriots, 2007 NFL MVP. Can you not tell my person by my handsome face and rockin’ body?”

“Well, that is a pretty recognizable butt chin you got going on there. Tom…”
”Please, call me Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP. It shows respect.”
”Right. Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP, I am conflicted. See, I wants to roots for you but peer pressure is telling me not to. What do I do?”
”Jerri, listen to the dream apparition of me. You must block out those people who say that I and my team will not win the Super Bowl or do not deserve to be there. You must listen to what’s in your heart. And I think we both know what is in there.”

“Best guess would be some veins that are blocked by fat or scar tissue. That’s it! I should listen to my scar tissue! But what is that telling me? I can’t hear it over the screaming.”

“Ugh, your head is thicker than my right lineman.”
”Is that the way it’s leaning these days?” Jerri suggestively asks as she splays her legs wide. Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL MVP chokes back a bit of vomit before continuing.

“Jerri, listen to me! Being a sports fan isn’t about rooting against something. It is about rooting for something. Support the team that is better, not the one that will make you look better.”

“Support the team that is better. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Mr. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots who was also the 2007 NFL something something.”

“Hey, no problem kid.”

As he starts to fade away, Jerri brings him back. “Excuse me, sir. May I just say that you have the hottest ass in the National Football League?”
Brady smirks, “I know.” And with that, he vanishes.

Jerri wakes, for realsies, with a start.

“Damn, that was a good dream. I would totally hit that.”

So would we, Jerri. So would we.

______________________________________________________________

It is time for the annual Super Bowl Assembly in which Flatpoint High gathers to cheer their favorite team on to victory. The school gymnasium has just been filled to the brim with shouting students and uncomfortable looking teachers. No teachers are more awkward looking than Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck, who both decided to mask their football loyalties in the colors of the rainbow.

“Chuck, they’re going to find out. We’re doomed!”
”Get a grip, Geoffrey. We’re in Giants’ colors, plus some. These people will never know.”
”I can’t keep this secret much long…”
”Shhh, Principal Blackman is about to speak.”

All attention turns to the podium where Principal Blackman has taken position. Jellineck wipes his sweaty brow with his multi-colored handkerchief as a booming voice fills the room.

“Students of Flatpoint High. We have gathered today to pay tribute and show support to the one team that can lead us to victory, the one team that is different from all the rest. Their quarterback is a strong quarterback, with family legacy to live up to. Eli Manning and the New York Giants will march in that parade known as the Super Bowl and he will bring freedom to the masses, long suppressed by the domination of these so-called Patriots.”

Wild cheering ensues.

“Dynasty my ass, these guys don’t know the first thing about what it takes to be champions – except for those three years that they won the championship. And they did go undefeated in the regular season. They have a lot of weapons; those wide receivers, the running game. Their offense is pretty good. And you gotta hand it to that defense, having so many veteran players. Furthermore, you really can’t say enough about Tom Brady, probably the best quarterback to play the game. Reminds me of Montana (player, not state). Hall of Famer right there. Of course, it all starts with the head coach. Belichick is quite the genius, I must say. The way he cuts his hoo…”
”Um, Principal Blackman? Aren’t we supporting the New York Giants?” Coach Wolf interjected, fearing the principal was going off message.

“Uh, what? Hmm? Oh right. Yes, of course. The New York Giants. Go team!”
The pep band starts up the Flatpoint High fight song and the students start to cheer. Suddenly, a sound like a screeching car horn, nails running down a chalkboard, and a dying cat combined and then thrown under a jackhammer pierces the vibrant air.
”I got something to say!”

Jerri Blank, clad in what can only be described as a football costume made for an 80 year old, has taken to the podium. The crowd is quickly silenced, save for a smattering of uncontrolled laughter from the faculty and student body at Jerri’s hideously tight football stretch pants. Her #12 jersey is, unfortunately, not large enough to cover hips big enough to deliver a baby or two.

“You all are a bunch of rubes. Look at ya. You’re wearing the colors of America yet rooting for the team trying to bring America down. What gives? Why do you think they are called the Patriots? America’s team, people. If you really want something to root against, how about a down-and-out team who six weeks ago couldn’t put together a winning strategy except for out on the road? Root against the football team that can’t even have their own stadium but have to share it with the stinkin’ Jets.”
A shout is heard from the crowd. “I hate the Jets!”

“Well, guess who else hates the Jets,” Jerri replies. “That’s right, the New England Patriots. The Jets are lower than the stinkin’ Ravens.”
”I hate the Ravens.”

Numerous shouts from the crowd can now be heard. A sampling:
”I hate the Colts.”
”Well, I thoroughly dislike the Chargers.”
”Oh, the Chargers aren’t that bad. Not like the Steelers.”

“Oh yeah, the Steelers suck.”

“Don’t forget the Eagles.”
”Cowboys!”
”Green Bay Sucks!”
”Bad things be brought upon the Bills.”
”Ditto that for the Dolphins.”

Jerri, sensing she is winning over the crowd, continues. “See? There is only one place where you can legitimately hate all of these teams. It ain’t in New York. It’s New England. When you’re part of the best, all the rest don’t count for squat. Now, whattya say? Let’s go Pats! Woooo!”
At this, the crowd goes wild. Energized, the crowd leaps to their feet in celebration. Two guys pick up Jerri and parade her around the crowd on their shoulders. Ecstatic with joy for Jerri’s revelation, Geoffrey Jellineck, bedazzled in a tight fighting rainbow shirt takes to the podium

Blank Bowl XLII – Wrap Up

The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!

Jellineck gathered courage to speak.

“And I too have something to say. As Jerri has outed herself to you all, so shall I! I am a Patriots fan! I have been a Patriots fan many times. Most recently, I have been a fan with Chuck Noblet, occasionally many times in one night and in many different ways. We even have a playbook. I’m a Pats fan and proud of it! What about you, Chuck? Chuck?”
The door to the gymnasium slams shut. Jellineck sees the unmistakable black floor marks of cowboy boots.

“Chuck flees again,” Jellineck moans. The crowd continues to go wild as Geoffrey Jellineck slowly comes down from the podium.

________________________________________________________________

Super Bowl Sunday at Orlando’s house. Tammy Littlenut and Jerri have joined Orlando to watch the big game.

“Hey Brady, nice package!” Jerri is clearly enjoying herself.

“Jerri, please stop licking the TV screen. My mom will get angry.”
”I can’t help it, Orlando. This channel is picking up some amazing shots of #12. Orlando, thanks for inviting me. I’ve learned that it is wrong to go back on your friends just because everyone else is telling you what your friends are telling you is wrong. From now on, I’ll follow anything you say.”

“Jerri, please stop licking the TV.”
”Mmm, butt shots.”

The End.

Epilogue:
The Patriots went on to win that Super Bowl and it was all thanks to Jerri Blank and her strength to be different in a crowd.

Well, actually it was due to the awesomeness that is the New England Patriots. But it’s a good story anyway.

Epilogue II:

Except that the Patriots didn’t win Super Bowl XLII, causing all of New England to go into a deep, deep depression. Jerri Blank’s response was inappropriate at best:

“17-14! That’s Hi-LAR-ious!”

Darren Criss in “How to Succeed”: “Mediocrity is not a mortal sin”

LMB — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 17:19:34 +0000

Two warnings:

A) DO NOT READ THIS if you are seeing Darren Criss in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and don’t want to be spoiled. I’m not holding back

B) Yes, I’m a fangirl but no, this is not going to be a bunch of me flailing about. There will not be gushing so stay if you were worried about that or leave if you don’t want to hear anything but.

Ok, on to my review:

In the world of musical theater, a performance from an actor can usually be divided into three areas: dancing, singing and acting. Performers that can do all three are called “triple threats” and truthfully there are only a handful of actors in each generation that can be called that (Sutton Foster is one for example). We’re lucky to get actors that can do two of these areas excellent and the third decent. Mostly, we get actors that can do a little of all three, never truly excelling at any.

How did Mr. Criss do? Honestly, putting my fangirl aside, I didn’t think he was all that good.

Dancing: Excellent

He’s a damn good dancer. He can do more than move, he can actually dance. He has form and poise, energy and sharpness. When he danced with the “professional” ensemble dancers, he blended right in as if he’s been doing this his whole life, as if two weeks of rehearsal was a week and a half more than he needed to learn this challenging, strenuous choreography. He was a joy to watch when dancing. The highlight being, of course, “Brotherhood of Man” – the exuberant 11 o’clock number that brought the house down. He lead the company in that number and was the Darren we’ve come to know and love from Glee. A sincere bravo! on the dancing.

Singing: Not Good

I know right? Of all things, you’d think the singing would be the area that Darren Criss would be the best at. I mean, I listen to his songs (Glee and otherwise) all the time. I love his voice, he has a good, powerful strong voice. But not in How to Succeed. Not at all actually. I don’t know if it’s in the wrong key or it’s written in a way that makes projection difficult (though did Matthew Broderick have an issue with that? Honestly, did Dan Radcliffe?) or if maybe his excellent dancing takes away from the air he needs to sing these songs. I don’t know what it is but his voice was not strong, he kept shifting from chest to head voice, his power notes weren’t quite there and it sounded like he struggled through many of the numbers. Broadway schedules are killer on the voice but we’re only 5 shows into his run, what is he going to sound like in two weeks? I refuse to believe that Glee fixes his voice that much on those tracks, I’ve watched videos of Darren’s live performances and he sounds great. And maybe it was an off night (though based on some other reviews, I’m thinking maybe not). I do have a rule in musical theater – no matter what, you have to be able to sing the part. I’m sorry Darren but I just don’t think you can sing this part. I won’t go so far as to say he doesn’t have a Broadway voice but I won’t dismiss that idea either.

Acting: BAD

Oh my God, it was bad. At first, his eye-rolling and cute little smirk were endearing but by the end of the show, I kind of wanted to smack him. His Pierpont Finch had no character so it was very hard to root for him to succeed in anything. He wasn’t mischevious, conniving, sweet, a guy who gets lucky breaks or anything else. His Finch just went through the story. I’m not saying he was a dead log on stage, he wasn’t. But he wasn’t a character, he was a cut-out. Ouch, that was harsh. I don’t think Darren is a bad actor. I think he either wasn’t given the chance to make his own Finch or wasn’t told how to play him. There were moments that were great. Darren has very good comedic timing and good facial expressions. But it felt like he was trying to hard without knowing what he wanted to accomplish.
Also, he was mouthing the words of the other actors, one of those things that doesn’t bug you until you notice it and then you can’t NOT notice it. Seriously dude, I love you but stop doing that.

Ok, this is all getting very harsh and I’m starting to feel bad about it. I’m not going to take back what I said above but I will say that we have to keep something in mind. Darren started full rehearsal for this show two weeks before his opening night. Dan Radcliffe rehearsed for a year. Darren is only getting three weeks to do this show, Dan Radcliffe got a year to develop his character. Darren unfortunately does not have the luxury to grow into this part. J. Pierpont Finch is one of the most demanding male lead roles in musical theater because it calls for a triple threat. You have to sing, you have to dance, you have to charm the socks off the entire place and you have to make an audience care about a character that gets many good fortunes from doing very, very little. Finch is a jackass. The actor playing him needs to make us love him. That takes time to develop and Darren wasn’t afforded that.

Now let’s call a spade a spade. Why do you think there is a 40ft billboard of Darren Criss in Times Square right now? Why did they change the marquee and put his name in lights above the theater? He’s only in this show for 3 weeks! It was done because Darren is being taken for a test drive. Can he fill seats? Can he create buzz? Can he moderately lead a company of actors? Can he play nice with the Broadway brass? If these questions result in yes answers, Criss is going to be back on Broadway in his own show – as soon as Glee is over.

And that’s where, if you take a step back, this whole thing actually sucks for us. We’re being sold an expensive bottle of water that was actually taken from the sink in the kitchen to see if there’s a demand for gourmet water. If there is a demand, maybe down the road a year or two we get a really nice drink. If there isn’t, well at least we got to see that cute smile and that gelled hair in person instead of through our television screen.

So maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe it doesn’t matter that he can’t really sing the role or he hasn’t taken ownership of J Pierpont Finch. It might be good enough that he was extremely enjoyable to watch – as Darren – and that I smiled throughout the entire 3 hour show. That his eyes sparkled in the lights or that I got to see how insanely big his hands are (like my God he has big hands!). We got to see him sweat up a storm, dance in tight pants, dance like a dream, smile so much we melted in our seats and walked away with a pretty damn good Playbill.

But I wasn’t blown away. And when you expect to be blown away and told you will be blown away, you’re left a little more dejected when that doesn’t happen.

Aw look how cute he is. Ok, never mind everything I just said.

ETA: I also want to say that I’m incredibly envious of and proud for Darren Criss. To star in a Broadway show, with your name literally in lights, is a thrill I would give pretty much anything for and he got to do it. Good for him.

2011: The Year That Was

LMB — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 21:30:32 +0000

Only a few hours left in 2011 so it is a good time to reflect on this crazy year. It was a year of ups and downs, really amazing times and truly difficult times. My first full calendar year in New York City! So here are the highlights, not many of the lowlights and the things that truly stand out:

Alyssa and Jason got married! It was a really lovely day, I’m so honored that I got to be a little part of it.
I got promoted to Accounting Manager, thus losing most of the confidence I had in what I do for a living every day. But I did gain a bigger paycheck, a cooler title, and a hell of a lot more responsibility.
Killed my first cockroach.
Went through my first hurricane.
Attended my first Broadway opening night at Lysistrata Jones
Attended my LAST midnight movie – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt2
Tried absynthe for the first time
Smoked my last cigarette (very sad)
Saw a lot of shows: Book of Mormon, Anything Goes, Sister Act, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Baby It’s You, That Championship Season, Catch Me If You Can, Billy Elliot, Seminar, Jerusalem, Wicked, Follies, Hugh Jackman, Private Lives, Lysistrata Jones, Company, Close Up Space, Radio City Christmas Spectacular, American Idiot and How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying4 TIMES!
Saw Scissor Sisters live at the Grammercy Theater
Danced two people away from Chris Colfer!!!
Went to the Glee Concert on 24 hour notice
Traveled to D.C. a few times, Boston a few times and Cape Cod a whole bunch of times.
Went to the New York Arts Show in February
My grandfather passed away in August
Spent most of January sick as a dog.
Spent most of the rest of the year wanting to get a dog.
Bought a guitar
Came in first in the pumpkin contest at work, second in the costume contest
Went to the Broadway.com awards where I was around so many Broadway people it blew my mind.
Won employee of the month
Made some new friends and managed to keep the ones I already had…I think
Got a new couch
Drank way too much but had fun doing it
Spent way way too much
Got an iPhone that I’m now addicted to
Got back onto my happy pills, to the relief of everyone around me.
Kept so busy that I don’t know how it’s already going to be 2012.

I’m sure I’m forgetting things and I’m omitting some of the more unpleasant aspects of the year. Seems like this one was a trying year for a lot of us. However, it’s been my experience that the odd numbered years are usually the most tumultuous. So if you got through 2011 and it was hard, I bet you 2012 will be a whole lot better.

Except that I’ll be that much closer to 30…but that’s a problem for 2013.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

“Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘What ya done?’”

LMB — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:55:01 +0000

Yeah so last night was totally made of awesome. I know I said all this on Facebook when I was completely freaking out last night but I thought I’d come over here and talk a little more.

So yeah, Chris Colfer was three people away from me, dancing and singing to the live Scissor Sisters show for the New Yorker Festival. Holy crap you guys!! It was so difficult not to stare at him (which I didn’t). Maybe 4 or 5 times during the 45 minute show I looked over and that was it. Nobody around me recognized him except one guy who took a picture. Seriously, if I had been drinking I would have punched this guy. First, he was very rudely in my space and second, leave CC alone! He was obviously there to have fun, let him be! That’s why I was trying to not stare or make a noticeable fuss – even though on the inside I was dying from excitement.

I thought it would be funny to post on here the text messages I sent to friend of the blog Sarah while this was all going on. Reading them now, you would never know I’m in my late 20s.I’m going to type these out word for word, incorrect spellings and all (my hands were shaking so bad at the time, i was so excited)

Oct 1, 2011 11:21pm

Holy shut chris colfer is right next to me at scissor sisters!!!!!

Omg he’s dancing

!!!!!!

No better than anyone else

Omg he’s drinking!!!!!!!

Trying not to stare

He has two bodyguards

Looks lonely

Oct 1, 2011 11:32pm

He’s so pretty I want to stare and I can’t!

And he’s singing

Man crazy

And he’s gone

He left show is almost done too many people were noticing he was here

Sad kid can’t even have fun

Oct 1, 2011 11:47pm

I cannot believe he was there! Next to me!!!

I know he’s a fan that’s how I heard of the band I’m the first place but I didn’t think he’d be there! Gah!

So u don’t think I’m a stalker I’m a huge fan of the band CC not the reason I was there

And that’s the end of it. Crazy silly I know but c’mon! I had just seen him in a 90 minute interview on the other side of Manhattan and that had pretty much gone out of my head as I was listening to the interview with the Scissor Sisters and being blinded by the fabulous Jake Shears’ florescent yellow three piece suit. Then the music started and everyone is singing and dancing. A couple of songs in, I’m looking around to see if I’m the only one making a fool of myself with dancing (which I wasn’t) and there he was! Yes, three people removed but he was on this raised platform thing so he was easy to see. His one bodyguard I recognized from the earlier interview and there were about 4 other people surrounded him shielding him from us commoners. Oh man he looked good! I’m so glad nobody bugged him while he was there (at least I don’t think anyone did) and I hope my 4 glances his way were in no way offensive.

So in other news, guys, seriously, Scissor Sisters is AWESOME!!! So not the type of music I usually listen to but I highly recommend checking them out. The album Ta-Dah is the most accessible. They have amazing live chemistry and that I only had to pay $30 to see about an hour long show with this rocking band along with only about 100 other people + Kurt Hummel was beyond anything I think I’ll ever get to do again.

If you’re interested in this amazing band, fair warning: they are a little…a lot…way over the top risque. I suppose the name of the band probably tipped you off on that (yes, the name comes from exactly where your dirty mind is thinking it comes from) The lead man Jake Shears loves to take his clothes off all the time (sadly he didn’t last night). But don’t let that turn you off, their music is so much fun! The band is cool, there are two lead singers: Jake and Anna Matronic and then two guitar players: Del and BabyDaddy.

Anyway, this is one of my favorite songs of theirs that Anna actually takes the lead on. Check it out! They have a new album coming out next year!!

I remember why I hate the Cowboys

LMB — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:09:20 +0000

Effing Tony Romo. The Cowboys had that game and he just handed it to the Jets (who btw didn’t look all that great if you ask me). But thanks to Romo pulling…well…a Romo, I lost this week to Dad. We bet on 4 games this week:

Lions v Tampa Bay
Steelers v Ravens
Bills v Chiefs
Dallas v Jets

I only won the Bills/Chiefs game.

WEEK 1 Standings:
DAD: 3
ME: 1

:::sigh:::

2011 NFL Postseason Predictions: I’m officialy crazy

LMB — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 16:46:44 +0000

I’m crazy in picking this but since the season starts on Thursday, here it goes. Dad, you best put your thinking cap on to beat me this year.

DIVISION WINNERS:

AFC

AFC East: Patriots (1st seed)

AFC North: Steelers (2nd seed)

AFC South: Texans (3rd seed)

AFC West: Chargers (4th seed)

Wild Cards: Jets (5th seed), Ravens (6th seed)

Of note: You’ll notice the Colts are not on the list. That’s my big gamble for this conference.

NFC:

NFC South: Falcons (1st seed)

NFC North: Packers (2nd seed)

NFC East: Eagles (3rd seed)

NFC West: Cardinals (4th seed)

Wild Cards: Cowboys (5th seed), Rams (6th seed)

Of note: No Lions, No Saints, No Bears…oh my

PLAYOFFS:

Wild Card Round (winners in RED):

AFC:
Ravens vs. Texans
Jets vs. Chargers

NFC:
Rams vs. Eagles
Cowboys vs. Cardinals

Of Note: Texans are surprise team of the AFC, that momentum will carry them through this round against aging Ravens team. Cowboys will finally win a playoff game as Kevin Kolb will fold under pressure after surprising the league with team getting to playoffs. Michael Vick (if healthy) will be too much for the offensively strong Rams. And the Jets just suck so of course they’ll win this round…again.

Divisional Round (winners in RED):

AFC:
Jets vs. Patriots
Texans vs. Steelers

NFC:
Cowboys vs. Falcons
Eagles vs. Packers

Of Note: The week off will hurt the Packers even though they will be at home but the Falcons will not fold to that again this year as Cowboys will not be able to win on the road twice like the Eagles will. Momentum for that team will be scary throughout the postseason. In the AFC, the Texans fairytale ends in Pittsburgh with a too talented offense and a scary defense that will be well-rested. Patriots get payback for last year’s thumping on a banged-up Jets team. Big time. Look for some Rex Ryan tears.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

AFC:
Steelers vs. Patriots

NFC:
Eagles vs. Falcons

Of Note: Eagles momentum gets them their third road win, happens every year to some team. Will be a crazy game with Vick playing against his old team. Matt Ryan will have already proven he can win in postseason from previous week. I just see the Eagles having more to play for here. In the AFC, if the Patriots can get over the hump of beating the Jets and winning their first postseason game since losing the Super Bowl, you might as well hand Belichick the Lombardi trophy then and there. Steelers won’t be a match for them in Foxborough – especially since they are still smarting from their own loss. Has a team ever lost the Super Bowl to go on and win it the next year? I know the Bills went and lost 4 years in a row.

SUPER BOWL

Patriots vs. Eagles

Of Note: I’ve been predicting this since early August at least and I know I’m not totally crazy as I’ve seen some analysts pick this as well. It’s as simple as this: No way do Tom Brady and Bill Belichick go to the Super Bowl and lose again. Not going to happen. The Eagles will be spent by this point, no fairytale ’07 Giants story here. It will take everything they got to beat Atlanta and they will have peaked before this game. If When the Pats win, look to start hearing inane chatter about Belichick retiring (I can just hear sports radio: “How much more can you accomplish?”) Not going to happen of course, not at least until Brady stops playing or is traded.

Season Of Note:

If Manning plays for the Colts, they could definitely make the playoffs but my guess is he doesn’t play the full season. They’ve hired a backup and now ESPN is reporting that Manning isn’t practicing this week.

Because of the lockout, the more stable teams – your Patriots, Steelers and so forth – will have an advantage over those teams with big turn around, which is why you won’t see as many out-of-the-blue teams make it this year like in previous years.
I think instead we’ll see some of the bigger name teams fall, like the Saints, the Bears and the Colts.
Teams on the rise: Lions, Bucs, Jags, Raiders, Browns and Bills. None will make the playoffs this year.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!!!!!! WOOT!!!

GO PATRIOTS!

“There’s nothing you can’t do, now you’re in New York”

LMB — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 15:11:53 +0000

Ah, Labor Day weekend or as I like to call it, the official end of summer. Now I understand that summer technically lasts a few more weeks but growing up in Canfield, Ohio, summer ended with the Canfield Fair over Labor Day weekend. Always. We all know I hate summer, the heat is unbearable and there is nothing on television. The period between September and New Year’s is my favorite time of year so I’m jazzed.

With that said and with this very quiet three-day weekend I’m imposing on myself, I’ve decided to take a look back at this summer. It turns out, I did quite a lot. So here it goes, in no real order:

Got a promotion…and a raise!
Tried absinthe for the first and last time
Smoked my last cigarette EVER (that’s going to be a shock to some of you. For the record, my last was only my 8th in my lifetime. Never doing it again though, for private reasons)
Went to the Glee Live concert
Went to Washington D.C. to see the Glee Concert Movie
Went to Hyannis, MA to see the Glee Concert Movie
Did not see said movie in New York.
Met some pretty cool gay guys
Met some sort of pretty cool straight guys who I mistook for being gay
Unsuccessfully tried contacts, got awesome new glasses instead
Got a hole in my bathroom and got it fixed
Survived a hurricane
Went to Coney Island for the first time
Went to Bronx Zoo for the first time and saw 4 bears play in the water
Discovered I want to live in Brooklyn Heights
Saw Tim Lincecum pitch
Think I passed Rex Ryan in Central Park
Dyed my hair back to brown
Went to my last midnight movie ever – Harry Potter, I love you but that was just painful
Purchased the most expensive theater ticket I’ve ever gotten for How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Attended Wicked in New York for the first time. Magical!
Oooh, and saw a no-fly performance of Wicked for the first time!
June fiscal year end – worked 12 days straight for over 10 hours each – I mentioned that promotion right?
Took my first staycation – didn’t like it much
Got to juggle auditors and budget data all on my own while my boss was on vacay
Stood on the stage of the Colonial Theater completely by myself
Mastered the American Idiot album on Rock Band – Medium level
Opened a Lord & Taylor credit card account – Bad Nicki
Got the most awesome pair of shoes ever from … Lord & Taylor
Gained too much weight – eesh
Started singing again, much to the dismay of my neighbors
Finished Battlestar Galactica
Graciously agreed to go double or nothing on this year’s NFL bet. You know who you are, you better bring it!
Spent more time on buses than is healthy
Saw a lot of movies, best one was definitely The Help
Celebrated my one-year anniversary of moving to New York with a rent-increase crisis over Memorial Day weekend.
Realized that I don’t have to have everything figured out just yet.

Overall, a good summer that went pretty fast. Now it’s time for it to be over. I want the fall weather. Football starts on Thursday. My TV shows start in a couple of weeks and before I know it, it will be time to start planning for the pumpkin carving contest at work.

Happy Fall Everyone!!!

Oh this makes me SO MAD!

LMB — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 17:05:52 +0000

I can’t say this on Facebook since unfortunately many of my friends on there are doing this but, PEOPLE STOP COMPLAINING THAT THIS WASN’T A WORSE STORM!!!

Did you WANT New York City to be completely under water? Did you want people to be evacuated with helicopters? Did you want more fatalities? More costly damage? More lives put in danger?

We should be grateful that Hurricane Irene wasn’t as bad as it could have been, not angry at the Mayor or the media for repeatedly warning us about it. What if they hadn’t said anything? Hadn’t ordered evacuations or set up evac sites and Irene hit us as hard as it could have? You’d all be bitching about the government not doing anything. The time for that was six years ago with Katrina, not here. Our local, state and federal government stepped up to the plate on this one.

And you know what? I’m glad for you if you had no water problems or downed trees. Others did. This was not some minor storm. It wreaked havoc all night. You were just asleep when it happened. I wasn’t. I was fighting a losing battle against a river coming in my windows. Trust me, it was plenty bad and I’m grateful that it wasn’t worse.

You all should be grateful too. Would you like to experience a hurricane like they get in the south? Have all your possessions destroyed?

End rant.

Check “Go through a hurricane” off the bucket list

LMB — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 12:41:51 +0000

ETA 3: Just found out a good friend’s apartment was struck by a falling tree during Irene. He’s ok but sounds very scary. Just another reason to take these things seriously – but with wine.

Though, would “hurricane” really be on my bucket list? Somehow I doubt it.

With all the hype and lead up going into Hurricane Irene, the biggest question I think most people will be asking as this storm moves through NYC and dies up in New England is: Did it live up? Well, for me at least so far, it has been way more action than I’m normally comfortable with. Yes, Irene could go away now. Please.

It wouldn’t have been so bad had, at last count, three of my windows not started to leak at about 1AM this morning. I got a broken 4 hours of sleep with no AC (as it’s currently being flooded by a leaky window) and every 15 minutes I have to empty out bowls of water. Could have been so much worse of course. During the one small period I did get sleep, a tornado cell passed right over me – just as well I wasn’t awake for that.

So now the eye is about an hour away from the city. Everyone is carefully watching the Battery to see if the surge will flood Lower Manhattan. It’s so interesting watching these news reports. First of all, parts of New Jersey now are already seeing sunshine (NOT FAIR). Some areas got blasted and some hardly got anything.

There is standing water outside my apartment. I’ll say – at least up to now – the rain has been much much worse than the wind. I can hear a little but nothing more than a bad storm. The rain however, I’ve never seen it rain so hard for so long in my whole life. Crazy.

This has all been an interesting experience and I’m kind of glad I stayed up to watch most of it through the various TV stations. A few things that absolutely astound me:

Unless it happened when I was asleep – and I highly doubt it – I never heard thunder or saw lightning during this whole night. I was expecting really severe thunderstorms and at least Sunnyside didn’t get them.
The moisture outside is seeping into my apartment. It’s not just humid, it feels wet in here.
White water is so much scarier than clear water. White water rain is not something I need to see again.
How many people did not evacuate when told to. They are saying perhaps 50%. I know this was all very hyped up but you can bet if the Mayor or someone told me to evacuate, I would have been gone without a second thought. It’s just not worth it.
On HBO this morning, they had a documentary on about Hurricane Katrina. Here’s a tip: don’t watch a documentary about a hurricane while going through a hurricane.
Social networking has been my best friend during the storm

So I’ll be back once the eye goes through. Little nervous that sustained wind will finally knock my power out. Thank goodness, I at least got to make coffee this morning.

ETA: Ok, so the “eye” hit Coney Island at 9am. Now Tropical Storm Irene is pretty much falling apart. Hopefully that means my part of it is nearing an end. Thinking of all my peeps up there in New England, have already heard of some losing power. Stay safe guys!

ETA 2: Don’t let my reports fool you, a lot of places here are under water and are a mess. MTA probably won’t be up till at least tomorrow midday at best case scenario. Thanks Irene.

“Wow, I’m Mr. Manager”

LMB — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:16:17 +0000